Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Do you ever feel like a bad Mommy? My week has been rough. I've always thought I'd be that Mom whose house all the kids hang out at, and I'd open my screen door to a nice front porch while wearing an apron, welcoming the children in with warm cookies on a platter, a la 1950. So far, life seems to have other plans. I am still working fulltime, and despite my best efforts to keep that little fantasy alive, I have slip ups. They're hard for me to admit. And, I KNOW they're little things. Things that probably don't matter in the long run, but they matter to me.

So, I started off the week forgetting it was Valentine's Day. We had to stop at Walgreens on the way to daycare, and I frantically filled out valentines for the kids. I imagined myself and daughter sitting at our table coloring home-made valentines. Sitting in the car with a ballpoint pen and $2 box of Hello Kitty 3-color paperboard valentines isn't exactly what I had in mind. Daughter, never ceasing to surprise me, though, yelled KITTY! KITTY! upon seeing them and was thrilled that I let her have one of her very own while I filled out the rest for the kids at daycare. Maybe that wasn't so bad?

Then, today, Tuesday...(its only Tuesday!?) I started the morning logging into work while daughter was eating breakfast. I had to do my timesheet, which was actually due on Monday. I tried to fill it out while fielding nutella-covered fingers away from the laptop. This resulted in me spending 30 minutes filling it out, only realize I coded all time to the wrong week. Another 30 minutes deleting said information, and I was a wreck. I brought daughter upstairs to dad, where she promptly cried for 10 straight minutes despite the fact he was holding her.

Do you ever wonder if its just not worth it? The work thing. I don't want to be the Mom that fills out valentines in the parking lot and is short with a toddler because she just wants my attention, but I'm preoccupied with work. But, both my parents worked. I loved my babysitter, but she wasn't my mom. I've been so torn lately.

I saw a friend opened a photography business. Her pictures are amazing! I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Maybe I should open a photography business! Wait, I don't have a camera. Or a portfolio. But, its a nice dream. Maybe I could do photography while wearing an apron?